Beginning this week, on monday i had to ask my father for money, a good sum of it. I am usually shy about this stuff but, this time I showed immense confidence in it. Know the fact that I have bigger things to disappoint my father in future. For example marriage. To give you context, a few months back, practically he asked me to leave the car and end the conversation. This was unlike him, we were talking about marriage and social order. I was like “no parent wants to see his child, unemployed and useless. People find that weird too. related to that, i can answer you. but marriage is a personal issue.”.
he gave awkward laughs, looked around and scrolled around the phone, purposelessly. if This is a sample, I am looking forward to a war. We started from our village, as when you are at it on the highway. just plain fields on both sides. When there are no vehicles around, it practically feels like you’re scrolling through the galaxy. Only the constant wind and noise from the friction with the road is audible. we spoke nothing for the first 10 mins, as we entered the town, it begin and escalated quickly. No body was shouting and words are sharp, this was nov 2023.
On Sunday, our farm was organizing a fair. I was appointed traffic coordinator, it went on from 2:30 to 4. I was to make sure no discrepancy occurred for the horse parade. It was physically entertaining. Then I went to the fair, I had nothing to do. handling traffic was more comforting.
Background of this fair was having no phone, as i broke the screen on saturday. It slipped and hit the concrete. I was not looking forward to that expense, it felt unnecessary. one of the reasons, to ask my father for money. 4 months back, the screen was replaced, that’s a record. usually they break in one or 2 months. total 4 replacements, it would be more than 18k. You can buy a new phone with that. A new phone will break when it falls, i would rather break an old one then a new one i said to myself. i use no cover on it, as it makes it thick and unsexy. “you have no care for things” my father said, when i asked for money. “Caring for things is more work, then…” this i never said. i Have to wait for Monday to get it repaired.
The significant income source of mine had delayed payments. “It’s 2 months average,” they said. It’s almost three months now. I can’t get angry at them, honestly I fear losing them. As they practically and indirectly sponsor all this auroville existence, from june 2022. I have to skim on expenses, which i didn’t mind. I have to 6k rent for my previous place, no way i can bring 6k out of nowhere. i have 256 rupees in my account. another reason why i asked my father money, its the first time in 7 months. I aspire not to ask as much as I can. Once or twice my father asked me for money, not that he didn’t have. There are some timeline issues with payments. Those are the moments I carry with pride. Me being in a position to help my father financially is flabbergasting to me. The timing of it two was perfect.
My income is sustainable for auroville existence, in a city I would be broke. to begin with, the place i stay. Current farm is free but previously it was 3k/month. No water or electricity bill, i don’t use them much, but still. I volunteer 8:30-11:30 in exchange. I like the work, its physical and entertaining. For lunch, solar kitchen is my saviour. its 2500/ month before, but now i wash dishes after lunch, its free. i smuggle some food into a box and that will be my dinner. not just money, its healthy food and carefreeness about what, where and when to eat. previously it’s a cabin, now its a room. its vast, but my neighbor calls it tiny. And guess what, neighbor’s wifi. My neighbor is a kind and good looking, white woman. I am afraid of her. At Least 30+ with the body of a teenager. Wifi is a previllage.
In the common kitchen there is the jar of cookies, delicious ones and they just leave it out open. When I meet three women, 1 Indian and 2 white, for a break at 10:30. we bring that jar out. And I unapologetically devour it. On Sunday, when I have nothing to eat, I put my trust in the name and squeeze handfuls into my pocket and walk silently to my room. I am not sure, weather ladies know about this. Considering how these cookies existent. they might wonder, they may know. for 2 days they didn’t replace the cookies, i called it a mayday, feared my existence. Cookies are previllage. this economy keep me away from bankruptcy. all this previllage may end one day but, right now i am not willing to be distracted by future.
Sometimes I daydream about one of my neighbors surprising me with food. the same way, how I dream of a random woman let me have sex with her. This empty stomach between meals, keeps my body in shape, i am not sure i will do same in abundance. but, i aspire to keep discipline. This economy keeps me in health.
Sunday morning, if I remember right. It was a foggy morning. as i was on the way, and itched to explore an unventured territory, which led me to this man made pool. They dug up patchy shallow in the middle and piled around it. It resembles a crater. land that above created these islands consisting of a tree each. water was glossy brown, mud was red. Fog helps me stay present. I had nowhere to be. This is how love must feel like. you stumble around, find something and suddenly you are not looking, nowhere else to be. having nowhere to be is a previllage. like sunday mornings and on the chest of your lover.
This week’s theater schedule consisted of 2 of my acts. Those are the odd ones. a drunk and old man. on tuesday i fuck around, no idea what i was speaking. On Wednesday, I did my homework and imagined a sequence and performed 30% of it. It was in front of everyone, it consisted of two pretty women. it was humiliating in the background but, in front its won’t affect me and i give it all. the next day it went to 45%, i guess you start somewhere and push your way to something significant. I handled humiliation well, I didn’t blame it on anyone, lose my shit or give up. That being said, I am not trying any of the women in the group. how could a women see a man fuck around like that and still like him. With women, for some reason I don’t like to display any weakness and I like that. Professionally it’s different. old man act was relatively simple, about a drunk porter. When asked for feedback, one of my colleagues said “you should start drinking”. You should see my face, it was theater. how elegantly she criticized it. All of my colleagues are kind for not saying anything on my face. as a gossip i don’t mind, i even cherish it. “its getting better” my director said. jill the director is a previllage. so tolerating and forgiving she is. She resembles “cripa”, the place we preform. She is like this vast space you can stumble around. In a room full of people, she becomes one of them, how brilliant is that. It’s hard to achieve. Cripa is a previllage.
i wrote actor for hire and my phone number and printed it on a paper. there is this 48 hour filmmaking contest called kino kabaret 2024. its was less people then i expected but decent. I went there in expectation of plenty, that i would meet bunch of film makers, and i would introduce myself to all. I will get to act in 2-3 significant short films and gain a lot of experience. There were few talents, so I immediately shifted my priorities. We had to collaborate to make a film. There was enough space and my mind swayed and fell into a pond of desire to make a film myself and not just to act. So i picked up a ant and a bug toys from the prop table. One woman let me be on her film, I was happy to be on camera. My film was called “Discovery Of The Train”. it is about a brother ant and a sister bug who discover the train, and freak out and call it a devil sent by ant god, and there is subpolt of them having insectious relationship. At the end, bug get into accident and die, ant kill itself. on saturday it was screening, they were audience. Before that, the female director shared her snack. its roasted badam coated with sugar syrup. the coat was brown, and the roasted badam’s inside was brown. it was delicious but you can’t eat many. I got to try a new snack. There was a pretty woman in the team, I of course tried, she said no. I immediately recovered as organizers gave me a coupon for dinner. it was worth 200 rupees, it was idly. I revisited the counter enough to concern the caterer.
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